Robin Hardy Online
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KEEP OUT The Personal, Private Diary
Monday, September 12. I made it! I made it! I am so excited, I can hardly breathe! I made it into the special singing group Bro. Staidlaw is forming from the youth choir. The audition was really tough, as I don't have that good a voice. We went in the choir room one at a time to sing for a committee of 12 church members, including Bro. Staidlaw and Susie, the pianist. He handed me a sheet of music I had never seen in my life and asked me to sing it. I thought I was going to pass out. Susie had to keep hitting the melody line real hard on the piano. Somehow I got through it. (Poor Candy--she came out of her audition crying. But she made it too!) The committee selected 6 girls and 6 guys based on singing ability, appearance, personality, and Christian character. (Candy's sister Beth didn't make it 'cause she's too fat, even though she has a better voice than me and Candy put together.) Anyway, we'll have mandatory rehearsals every Tuesday and Thursday nights. We get fined $5 for every unexcused absence from rehearsals! Oh, yeah--the name of our group is The Givers. That was suggested by Bro. Staidlaw's brother (also a minister of music) who said, "They'll be giving Christ's love through their music." I thought that was so cool.
September 14 (Wed.) First rehearsal last night went okay, though I was too tired to write when I got home--or finish my math homework. I hate Mrs. Pendleton. She's such a lousy teacher. On our very first day in algebra she gave us a test "to see what we knew." I'm already lost in that class. Candy got an instant crush on Jack, a boy in our group. I'd never seen him in church before. She says he has his own car.
Sept. 16 (Fri.) After rehearsal yesterday Preston--Bro. Staidlaw--suggested I take voice lessons to strengthen my singing. My mom agreed! Bro. Preston will charge a special rate of only $20 a lesson since we are church members. I'll go on Friday afternoons, starting next week. The church's all-youth banquet is in 2 weeks. I'm going with Carl (yuck). He doesn't have his driver's license yet, so I'm going to have to pick HIM up! (I got my license last April.) Candy is praying Jack will ask her.
Sept. 19 (Mon.) Came home sick from school today. Made a "D" on my algebra test.
Sept. 23 (Fri.) Such a busy week, I haven't had a chance to write until now. Had my first voice lesson with Bro. Preston in his office at church. We worked on scales and ran through a duet. We sound real good together. Bro. Preston is a lot of fun. He was real serious about the singing, but started to cut loose and have fun around the end of the hour. His wife Jan always slaps him when he starts acting like a goofy kid. She would be pretty if she didn't wear such outdated stuff (and were younger, of course). The Givers rehearsals are going well. (Seems like I'm up at church every day!) We've got a ton of music to memorize. Need help bad in math but don't know anyone to tutor me.
Sept. 25 (Sun.) I noticed today in church that every time Bro. Preston sees me, he gives me a secret little wink, even if he's talking to someone else. Makes me feel so special. He has light brown hair that curls at the neck when it starts getting too long--drives him crazy! Most guys would just get a buzz cut, but I guess he's too self-conscious to wear it like that. He says he has to let it do what it wants or it will all fall out!
Sept. 27 (Tues.) Thought a lot about Preston today. He always notices me when I'm around, and keeps an eye on me during rehearsals. Tonight he made a little joke about a goof he made during my voice lesson Friday--nobody got it but me. Mom's working on my Givers outfit--a black skirt with a black satin vest that reverses to a shiny brocade. Looks real sophisticated, not lame like most of those matching outfits. Preston's brother sat in on tonight's rehearsal and said we were better than FBC's youth ensemble. Yeah! Almost dreading the youth banquet--Carl is such a loser--but at least Preston will be there. Mom asked if I was keeping up with my daily Bible reading and prayer time. Doing it every day is impossible. I'm scheduling it for M-W-F.
Sept. 30 (Fri.) Have only a minute to write before I have to get ready for the banquet. Ran into Preston up at church today--I had been asked to help decorate, but didn't want to, so he suggested we run out and get ice cream instead! It was a scream! We tiptoed out and I hid down on the seat of his car while he drove away from the church. (He told his secretary he was going to look at some new sound equipment.) We went to the ice cream shoppe and he bought me a cup of peppermint ice cream. (I kept the cup as a souvenir and wrote the date on it.) Was a lot more fun than hanging stupid streamers up around Fellowship Hall.
Oct. 1 (Sat.) The banquet was so stupid. "Under the Sea" with blue streamers and cardboard fish dangling from the ceiling. (Candy wasn't there 'cause Jack didn't go.) Only good thing about it was that we ran out of ice. Then Preston and I had to run downstairs to the kitchen to get more. It was dark, and we kept bumping into each other and laughing. Took us about thirty minutes to get one bag of ice! DANGER. Little sister got hold of this diary and started reading it. Threatened her within an inch of her life and locked it away in my trunk. Note: key is on my person at all times! Candy said some of the kids were asking her why Preston paid so much attention to me. (!!!) Preston asked all Givers to prepare a 3-minute testimony to be given at performances. Having trouble getting mine nailed down. I want to say something different, not your standard "I walked down the aisle when I was ten," blah blah blah.
Oct. 7 (Fri.) Something interesting happened today. Preston and I started my lesson with scales as usual, but then we got to talking and when I looked at the clock, our time was up! As I went to the door and started to open it, he put his hand on mine on the doorknob. Just a touch--that's all. But somehow it was very special. I've been reliving that touch over and over.
Oct. 10 (Mon.) When I got home from school today Mom handed me a card that came for me in the mail--no return address. I recognized Preston's handwriting on the envelope right away, so I took it to my room and shut the door before opening it. On the front was a giraffe with its head in the clouds and its tail wagging. Inside it said, "Thinking of you." It was signed, "P." WOW! Can't WAIT till rehearsal tomorrow night!! P.S. I hid the card in a SUPER SECRET place!
Oct. 11 (Tues.) Yes! What a day! I got to rehearsal early and told Preston, "Got your card." I was real cool--not dumb and gushy. He said, "Now you know why I'm always smiling." His eyes are such an intense shade of blue. I love the way they crinkle when he's thinking real hard about something. He's 31. Candy thinks that's ancient, but I don't. He makes all the boys my age look so immature. Well, during a break in rehearsal he handed me a New Testament and said, "Look where it's marked." I opened it up at the bookmark where he had highlighted, "It is right for me to feel this way about you, since I have you in my heart." (It was in Philippians, I think.) Thought I was going to melt away right there. But we were both real cool about it. I just looked at it and handed it back to him. Then after rehearsal, 3 or 4 of us were standing around outside talking with Preston when Jan came out from their house (across the street from the church) in hair curlers and a bathrobe. She told him he had a long distance call. He rolled his eyes--I mean, she came out in CURLERS--but he had to go. (Later--3 AM Wed.) Having trouble sleeping. Don't feel so good. Got out my Bible to find the verse Preston highlighted, and read the rest of it: "--for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern NIVwhat is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ." (That's Phil. 1:7-10.) Preston intended only that first part as a special message to me. It takes on a lot different meaning when you keep reading. Ugh, I feel too bad to write any more now.
Oct. 13 (Thurs.) Am slowly coming back to the land of the living. Had to go to the doctor yesterday for an antibiotic. He said I have a "microplasmic infection," whatever that is. Mom thinks I'm getting run down with too many church activities. I'll have to miss rehearsal tonight and my voice lesson tomorrow.
Oct. 14 (Fri.) Wow! A big vase of carnations with a get-well card came for me today! They're beautiful. The card was unsigned, but addressed to me in P.'s handwriting! Mom asked me who they were from. I said Carl. (Later) Mom came into my room and said, "I called Carl's mother to thank him for the flowers. She said he did not send them." Me (acting surprised): "He didn't? Well, in that case I don't know who they're from. The card wasn't signed." She didn't look too convinced. I've got to tell P. to be more careful. Listen to me--I sound like we're having an affair or something. But we haven't done anything wrong.
Oct. 18 (Tues.) Preston asked me to come an hour before rehearsal to help him run some errands. We went in his car to pick up a rewired spotlight and some more sheet music. We held hands down on the seat where no one could see. The only thing that spoiled it was the way the guy in the music store looked at me and P. Made me wonder what he was thinking.
Oct. 24 (Mon.) Yesterday The Givers gave a special performance in the evening service. We had Ryan on the drums and Stan with his guitar along with Susie on the piano, and we wore our outfits. We got a lot of compliments. But Candy said someone had complained to her mother about some of the secular songs in our repertoire--they're not as bad as a lot of the stuff you hear, but they are love songs. So? We don't have to sing all religious stuff, do we? That would be so narrow. I told Preston about it, and he said, "Yeah, that's got to be one of the Dirty Dozen who complained." He told me that there were ten or twelve church members who always criticized him and were looking for a way to get rid of him. What a bunch of narrow-minded jerks. (Later) I told Mom about the church members criticizing Preston, and she said something like, "Why should a Christian group sing about sex? Did sex save you?" She just doesn't understand.
Oct. 25 (Tues.) What a night! It's late, but I can't sleep. Tonight after rehearsal P. asked me to stay just a minute to help him collate music. (I moved my mom's car first so it wouldn't look like I was the only one still up at church.) Then P. took me to the music storage room and KISSED me. It was heavenly. I thought I was going to die. Then he asked me to meet him at a park after school tomorrow so he could tell me something.
Oct. 26 (Wed.) Met P. at this out-of-the-way park by a pond on the other side of town. He gave me a single red rose and told me I was special to him. Then we kissed a long time. We were really getting into it when this old geezer came to fish. Then we had to leave. Begged off going to church tonight to study my algebra. Brought home a deficiency notice yesterday, and my stupid mom has threatened to pull the plug on my extracurricular activities till my grade improves. I am living for Friday!
Oct. 28 (Fri.) My "voice lesson" was incredible. P. and I sat and talked the whole time. We didn't get physical at all, since anyone could walk in, but he didn't let go of my hand the whole time. He said I have the most beautiful eyes on earth, and he wanted to have me forever. We talked about how much fun it would be to do everyday things like go to the grocery store together all the time, out in the open. In the middle of our session he got a call from his wife. Seems their little girl has been having problems with bed-wetting and temper tantrums. Apparently Jan is not a very good mother.
Oct. 30 (Sun.) The church is having a special party ("Circus Time") for kids in lieu of Halloween tomorrow night, and I've been asked to help. I told them no until I found out that P. was going to be there because he had heard that I would be there. Then I told them I would.
Nov. 2 (Wed.) P. and I got a little carried away, I guess. We couldn't stand being so close to each other at "Circus Time" without being able to touch, so we sneaked away to make out a little. I felt a little bad about it--when we came out the party was over. But the really bad part was that our absence was noticed. Last night after rehearsal Don (who writes the song arrangements for our group) came up to me and asked where P. went when he was supposed to lead some songs for the kids. I tried to play dumb, but he said, "You're playing with fire, you know." The way he said it scared me. He didn't look mean, just real serious. I tried to pray tonight, to talk it over with the Lord, but my prayers just seemed to bounce off the wall. I got out my Bible to look for the verse P. had highlighted, but it fell open instead right at Heb. 13:4: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." I'm going to bed. NIV Nov. 4 (Fri.) P. and I talked all through my voice lesson again today--we both agreed we're going to have to cool it. but he said, "You know I'll always love you." (Later) Mom came into my room, shut the door, and sat down on my bed to lecture me. It was horrible. She said the music secretary told her she didn't hear any music coming from P.'s office during my voice lesson--again. (That gossipy b--!) Mom said she was worried about me, and didn't want to see me get hurt. She said she'd step in and do something before it came to that, if she had to, even if it made me hate her for the rest of my life. Then she said, "Regardless of what you think, I'm on your side." She started crying then, and I did, too. I swore to her that nothing was going on between me and P. But after she left, I cried and prayed. I asked the Lord to forgive me--I knew what we were doing was wrong. But I told God how much I needed to be noticed and loved--how much I longed to be special to someone. I couldn't find my Bible, so I went and got my mom's Bible to read something--anything. And it fell right open to this: "I have loved you with an everlasting love: therefore I have Jer. 31:3, RSVcontinued my faithfulness to you." I couldn't read any more and I closed it before I could see what verse it was.
Nov. 10 (Thurs.) Been sick again with a relapse of what I had 3 weeks ago. After I missed rehearsal Tuesday, P. called. Mom answered the phone. She left the room when I took the phone and never asked what he said. When Sis came home from school yesterday, she said one of the kids in her class who also goes to our church said he saw me kissing P. I assured her it was a lie. Mom heard us but didn't say anything.
Nov. 11 (Fri.) Went to school, but didn't go to voice lesson today.
Nov. 14 (Mon.) Mom allowed us to sleep so late yesterday that we missed church. I got kind of upset. I really miss P. I know I shouldn't be seeing him, but I need to. I haven't seen Candy outside rehearsal in a long time, either. I miss her, too. (Later) P. called and asked if I would be coming to rehearsal tomorrow. I said, "I guess so." He whispered, "I need to see you." Mom was nearby cooking dinner, so all I could say was, "Okay." At dinner Mom told us she was thinking about visiting another church, one closer to us, and asked what we thought. Sis said sure right away. I didn't know what to say, so I left the table.
Nov. 15 (Tues.) After work Mom came into my room and said that she was not paying for any more voice lessons from Bro. Preston. She also said, "I won't tell you that you can't go to rehearsal tonight, but I wish you wouldn't." I just looked at her and left. Went to rehearsal, but kept my distance from P. and left right when it was over. At least I got to see him.
Nov. 17 (Thurs.) After rehearsal tonight Heather (member of our group) told me P. had once made a pass at her. I got real angry and accused her of lying. Now I feel so miserable I can't stand myself. Heather is the sweetest girl you could ever meet.
Nov. 20 (Sun.) Went to church by myself today. It was awful.
Nov. 22 (Tues.) Had to tell P. that we'll be out of town over Thanksgiving, visiting Gram. During rehearsal he asked for my testimony, but I didn't have it. I just haven't been able to do one yet. He started lecturing the whole group about how we always had to be ready to give our testimony because that was a big part of our Christian witness. Thought I was going to throw up.
Nov. 29 (Tues.) Thought we'd never get back home from Gram's. BORING. She lives in a teeny tiny town in Oklahoma where everything closes at 5:00. Found myself thinking about P. a lot. I meant to leave right after rehearsal tonight, but had to go back in because I'd forgotten my music. P. was there, alone. When he saw me walk in, he shut the door and kissed me real hard. He whispered that he missed me. I said something and left. I was shaking so bad I could hardly drive home. He wants me. I feel--sexy and scared and all confused. I'm still a virgin. If I thought we could have a life together, I'd do anything for him. I wish he'd get a divorce! But he's never mentioned it. We don't talk about Jan at all. Oh, Lord, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me.
Dec. 1 (Thurs.) I'm almost dreading going to rehearsal tonight. I know Mom wants me to drop out of the group. She hasn't told me to--yet. She told me about a new family that just moved in 2 houses down. They have a son who's a senior at my high school. (Later) Tonight P. announced special Saturday rehearsals through the 17th. We have five Christmas performances lined up so far. My stomach has been in knots for 3 days.
Dec. 4 (Sun.) We all skipped church today. Instead, Mom got out my Bible and read some Psalms to me and Sis. They said: "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life . . . The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever." "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I Ps. 138:7,8; 139:7-8, NIVmake my bed in the depths, you are there!" I could hardly bear to hear it all. (Later) Someone called the house today twice and hung up when Mom answered. We don't have Caller ID.
Dec. 5 (Mon.) After a conference with my teacher, Mom came home and told me I am grounded from all extracurricular activities until I bring my algebra grade up to a B. I'm sure she expected me to throw a major fit. But I felt--relieved. I can't believe how relieved I feel. Mom picked up the phone to tell P. I'm out of the group, but I asked her to let me tell him when I return all my music to the church tomorrow after school. She said okay.
Dec. 6 (Tues.) What an incredible, glorious, wonderful afternoon. I drove all the way home singing and thanking God. He is such a wonderful God, with such a wicked sense of humor! Here is what happened: After school today I took all my Givers music up to the church office to turn it in. I told P. I had to drop out because of my algebra grade. He looked real grim, and pointed out all the concerts we had coming up. I said I was sorry. As we were walking out, P. said, "We have to talk about this. Come over to my house." I didn't feel good about it, but said okay. No one was home. Well, right there in the den he started holding me and kissing me and telling me how much he needed me. I felt myself sinking. I couldn't stop him, and didn't want to. He took me back to his daughter's bedroom and laid me down on her bed in the middle of her teddy bears and dolls. Then he started to unzip his pants. Right then he cut the biggest, loudest, stinkiest fart I have ever heard. He looked like he was about to die of embarrassment. And I swear I heard the Lord say, "That's exactly what I think of this." I looked at P. and saw what a lying, hypocritical fart he was. I didn't want to be in his arms and I didn't want to be spread across his daughter's bed. I got up and left his house, then drove home singing and laughing.
Dec. 11 (Sun.) Mom, Sis and I went to the new church today. We kind of liked it and are going back next week. I called Candy and told her about it. She's thinking about coming because it looks like the Givers will be disbanding.
Dec. 14 (Wed.) Met the new boy down the street while he was shoveling snow. His name is Brian and he is GORGEOUS. His favorite subject is math! He's coming over tonight to tutor me! Merry Christmas!
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